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2021 marks the second phase I decided to start learning my Deen again. I have been practicing from the age of 15, but I felt like I never truly learned what Islam is really about— which is why I found myself getting lost in human-made ideologies.

Somehow, the West convinced me that Islam is backward. That Islam has certain rulings that "don’t sit right with me as a woman."

Like many Muslims, I practiced Islam because “I had to” or else. I didn’t connect with Allah. Which is ironic because the very thing that I was doing regularly and is meant to connect us with Allah was Prayer. But I only prayed with my limbs.

I am deeply ashamed by those thoughts. But there is a reason I’m telling you this.

For once: If you feel like you are in the same place, I am here to tell a story to help and inspire.

Because you are not alone. In fact, you are never alone. There is at least one person that is going through the same, even worse than you.

The moment I started changing Islamically, Allah gifted me with a very special friend.
A friend I felt like I had been searching for my whole life. A friend that gets me. A friend that shares the same struggles as me. A friend that, not only deen-wise, but culturally, understands me, too.

I found her, by the most beautiful plan of Allah. In front of the university toilet while we both waited for our friends to come out.

I stood there. She stood there. In her very-Muslim-looking attire—the oversized skirt and jacket she was wearing, with an off-white hijab. She looked at me. We smiled at each other.

And suddenly, I catch myself uttering some words that I cannot even remember today.

Keep in mind: I am like 90% introverted. That 10% extraversion only comes out when necessary—and most of the times this happened, Allah has just chosen for me, to be honest.

That day marked a friendship that I never want to give up.
That day marked the beginning of me returning fully to Allah ﷻ.
That day marked the turn of a page in my book of life.

Since that day, I have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions and learnings I didn’t even know existed. Seriously.

Every year, I felt like I had lived another five years because of the amount of things that kept coming at me. And honestly? Allah tested me severely during that time. But I am just happy that I found my solace in His remembrance.

It was the year I went to a mosque sleepover (which I absolutely loved) with my high school friend who literally forced me to go. And let me say: you need those friends that want you in Jannah and force you to go to the mosque and not so some weird concert.

And during those days, I just felt… different.
I felt the last bits and parts of my past wither away and the deep thirst to become a better me.

I wanted to love Allah like they did.
I wanted to cry at His words like they did.
I wanted that purity they had.

What had happened to me in the past years? How did I lose that? What did I do?

I slipped.

By the end of my A-levels, I got into the wrong circle of friends.
I thought I could handle it.
I thought it wouldn’t affect me.
I thought, "It’s fine to listen to music sometimes."

That sometimes turned into a daily routine.
The daily routine turned into two years.

Horrible.

With just that one sin, I threw away years of hard work.
I lost my why.

Especially with music, which I have a huge weakness for—I finally managed to break free only to get back?
For what?
For whom?

I hated myself.
I hated what I did.
I hated how I threw away my hard work.
I hated how I walked straight into sheytans traps.

And that needed to stop.

That was the moment I made a deal with myself and literally cried to Allah:

Ya Allah, I want an imaan so unshakable that I will be happy with nothing less than that. Ya Allah I want to love you and nothing else. Ya Allah, I want to change.

All I wanted was strong yaqeen.
All I wanted was to have my certainty and peace back.
No amount of sin was worth throwing that away.

Because I have felt depression without it.
And that is an incredibly dark place to be in.

Since then, I focused on three main things:

1. Learning what Islam is about

2. Learning what Islam is not about

3. Learning who Allah is & His Book

The first and third part go kind of hand in hand, but they are still different for me since I never learned the basics of Islam properly.

Questions like:
 ❔ Why are we here?
 ❔ What is our purpose?
 ❔ Why does Allah allow suffering?

Yeah, I’ve been there. And in my opinion, many Muslims and if not all of us, lack those principles. Because if you know your foundation, everything else that is build on that will inevitable follow.

If you knew that you are here to be tested, you know why there is suffering.
If you knew what the Sheytan promised Allah, you would know how to act.
If you knew why the Quran is special, you would know why it is important to engage with it.

Learning what Islam is not about meant understanding the -isms that have infiltrated our countries and minds. I never realized how much of a hardcore feminist I was—until I contemplated and almost reposted something that was very obviously shirk.

All for the nafs. All for me, me, me.

My favorite part is the third part. I loved learning who Allah is.
His Names, His Attributes. I love learning why He made things or how He made them.

I’m an ocean lover. I love watching documentaries about the ocean—with Allah in mind. Seeing these majestic animals left me starstruck.

When I started learning about Allah’s Names, it wasn’t all rosy though. But only because I had a sick heart.

I let too many fitan (temptations) enter my heart.

So I needed to actively fight my nafs during this time.
Whenever I started feeling resentment toward something Allah decreed, I had to fight it.
Including the waswas from Shaytan.

It was hard.
But it worked.
But not because of me—because of Allah.

I took special care of my tahajjud prayers during that time.
I took every opportunity there was to make du'a.

Rainfall
Fridays
Ramadan
Day of Arafah

I wanted it so incredibly bad.

And Allah gifted me it through His abundant mercy and amazing plan.
But I had to work for it.

And part of this work was engaging in Tadabbur.
But I didn’t even call it that in the beginning.

I remember looking for a Quran teacher to help me with my Tajweed and memorization.

When I found her, a friend told me:
"She’s really strict but incredibly good."

Nice.
I need strict.
My nafs needs strict.

So I started my journey with her. And I adored it.

We had one hour and a half. We started with Surah An-Naba.
I was horrible.

I remember noting down at least three mistakes per word.
And then we moved on.

Later on, we took Tafsir.
Every time, I had to prepare it for the session with her and explain (in Arabic mind you) what the Surah is about.

My Arabic is horrible when it comes to terminology and stuff.
Another obstacle, but I didn’t want to give up.

Three months.
Six months.
One year.

I became better and better.

I started loving it.
I started to actually feel it.
I started yearning for it.

That’s when I realized—
In addition to reading and Tafsir, we were also engaging in Tadabbur.

But the little journal I had wasn’t enough. I needed more. I needed to actively integrate the lessons taught in the Quran into my life. I wanted to go deeper, reflect on a greater scale.

So I made my own guides inspired by what I was learning and contemplating about Allahs creation around me:

The enchanting Flowers inspired the Zahraa Version 🌸.
The vibrant gardens inspired the Jannah Version 🌿.
The majestic mountains inspired the Rahma Version ⛰.
The mystery of our life inspired the Barzakh Version 🌌.

I designed them in a way that makes it possible for me to

• Read a Surah/ Aya

• Learn the Tafsir of it

• Engage in Tadabbur

All in only a 15 Minute-session a day.

Tadabbur is deeply underappreciated.

It teaches you seclusion.
It gives you daily Quran.
It helps you truly understand an ayah and ultimately a Surah.

Nouman Ali Khan’s style of explaining the Quran is Tadabbur too. Thats why you like it.

1. Write the ayah

2. Write the translation

3. Write the tafsir

4. Reflect.

And that’s it. You got yourself something I call “جلسة مع الله” a meeting with Allah.

Just start.
Any journal. Any notebook.

IF you want to fight the nafs do it. You have the blueprint, the resources, the means. The key is to choose a time and take those minutes and sit down with Allah.
Only you & Him.

I know what kind of potential Tadabbur has. I remember I learned that Muslims are supposed to be people that reflect. Allah asks us in the Quran, don’t we think about this Quran?

Let’s not be the ones who do not think about the Quran. Let’s be the ones that carry the Quran in heart & mind. Let’s be the change and hope for this Ummah.

You can get my guides here. Im waiting on your feedback on instagram.

That’s all for today. I really hope I could inspire you to start your Tadabbur journey and to connect with the book of Allah even with little time on your hands.

Wait for next weeks newsletter with another interesting and insightful letter from me, until then

I’ll leave you

في أمان الله_{(in the protection of Allah)}
❦ Dunja ❦